Make Em Look Stupid - It really Ticks Them Off

I'm a constant victim of TSA retalliation. I opt-out at IAH every time, and get the royal treatment. I now arrive at least 3 hours early, so I don't miss my flight. This happens every time.

At the ID check;
When asked my name, I reply, "From which document"
TSA; From either one.
ME; They're different.
TSA; No, they're not.
I then lean against the podium and slowly explain while the line backs up behind me.
"Im sorry, but you failed to notice my boarding pass has a slash between my last & first name, while my DL has a comma, and also contains my middle initial. Isn't it your job to compair these documents to avoid fraudulant documents?"

I'm finally waved through, but the Goober signals to the others. I then opt-out, and go for my prostate exam. Then I hear "BAG CHECK!"

They proceed to go through my Computer Case, item by item. AA battery in flashlight is examined. 9v battery in electrical meter is examined.'
TSA; Your medication is not labeled.
ME; It doesn't have to be.
TSA; It should be labeled
ME; Call a cop. (Issue dropped)
TSA; What is this?
ME; Electrical Tester. Light glows when held near a live wire.
TSA; Why does it flash when rubbed on my shirt?
ME; Sometimes it detects dead brain cells. (Issue dropped)
TSA; What is this? (Referring to my modified electronic cigarette)
ME; That's a Gamma Sine Wave Stellar Modulator. (Made this one up)
TSA; Huh? OK.

Everything else was slowly examined, including my reading glasses, and after 20 minutes, I said, "You can take your time now. I missed my flight. (Which I had not) One more item checked, and I was "Free to go"

I left the checkpoint feeling much safer.

 

Ohhh, I like this game...it sounds like fun...I might just carry some weird stuff next trip and have crazy invented names just to mess with TSA.

 

I like you, Sky Dancer.

 

There's a method to this. Make politeness work in your favor. No raising your voice, no visable resistence, and remain "Friendly", so to speak. If they sense your upset, you'll get raked over the coals.

 

Sky Dancer said:

Although I'm sure this will p!ss them off (good job, BTW ), Iwould probably choose a more subtle approach. I thinking about using something like this if and when I ever fly again:
TDC: State your name.
ME: Which one?
TDC: Last name.
ME: Which one? (as the line backs up behind me)
TDC: What do you mean which one?
ME: I have two last names.
TDC: Oh really? (or Huh?)
ME: Yes, I have a maiden name and a married name.
TDC: Whatever one is on your DL.
ME: They are both on my DL.
TDC: (re-checking DL against boarding pass to see my married name listed on the boarding pass) Married name.
ME (Leaning against the podium and whispering conspiratorially while the line backs up behind me): Oh please don't make me say my married name out loud. I've been divorced for 16 wonderful years. I only kept that name to piss off my ex-husband's subsequent wives. And ya know what? <*flashing an evil grin*> It worked! So please, please, please don't make me say that one out loud!

Sky Dancer said:

LMAO!!! Too funny!
Sky Dancer said:

Maybe you should try another tactic when they begin your bag check. Tell them to take all the time they want, that you have penty of time until your flight. From what I hear they would rather not waste their time trying to make you miss your flight (oh, not to mention actually having to do some work <*mimicking Dobie Gillis*> ) when they know that will entail detaining you for at least two hours. Unless your goal is to make them work (waste their time and yours) as much as possible? In which case, GOOD WORK, Sky Dancer!!!

 

Not recommended to tell them you have two hours. They can go to something else, and leave you standing there until they return, or another goober takes up where they left off. After all, *they* will be there all day, no matter what they do.

 

Brilliant. Simply brilliant!

I take a somewhat different track. It's been said that if one has nothing to hide, then one shouldn't take issue with the nonsense.

OK. Fine. If TSA wants to chat, they've just come upon a Chatty Cathy. When asked such questions I simply overshare. I talk ad nauseum about anything and everything I can think of related to the question. When they try and stop me, I just keep talking. They want to "chat"? Oh, I'll chat. Of course, nothing I tell them is significant, or even true. They wouldn't know anyway.

 

Ah hah! Gotcha! This speaks volumes on the issue of overstaffing of checkpoints. From what I've heard on this forum and others, most major airports are this way. Thus the acronym Thousands Standing Around!

 

I'm the opposite. I give them only information that's on my ID & BP. Further questions are answered with "That information is Confidential". My company's information and Customer base actually *is* confidential. I like to make them feel the defiance, without being rude. They have no legal recourse, and it always irks them to no end.

 

You left one thing out. If you look closely, the majority of the ones standing around are texting or talking on their Cell Phones.

 

OH, if they want personally identifiable information, they won't get it. They think they'll get it, but they won't.

For instance:

TSA: Name?

Me: Made up nickname.

TSA: But that doesn't match.

Me: Well, that's the name I go by. You see, we have a lot of people in my family with similar names. We call each other all kinds of things. My favorite is when my grandmother used to call me "sh*tface". Man, that was funny! Can you imagine someone's grandmother saying something like that? I just don't know why she said it, but it was funny. Then there was the one time we started calling my brother "cooter". I mean, what guy wants to be called a pussy for his whole life? I imagine you don't get called that. You don't look like your family has a lot of fun. But I digress. You wanted to know my name, so I told you my name. I can't help it, really. I just want to be helpful. Isn't that what it's all about, helping each other out. I don't understand why people come through here and give you a hard time. They should just say their name. I mean that's my name. I don't understand what you're asking. I'm just trying to help you out. Don't you want to be helped? You look like you could use some help. Bless your heart.

 

Good point...I often have to sign confidentially agreements with high-profile client's so I can play this game too! Love my TUG colleagues...just love em.

 

LOLZ

 

Marvin the Martian: My illudium Q-36 explosive space modulator."

 

You mean a "get your freak on"?

 

oh a video of that conversation would be hilarious.

We so need to do a undercover video set up like this to just make them look like that ASSes they are. As well as a set up to see how much we can yank there chain and test them to see how they react. Then if they do whamo video proof that is as good as "how many zeros you want on that check".

 

too dam funny....

 

WOAH!!!! Back the truck up!!! Don't *EVER* use the word "Explosive". They'll have you in a room, bent over with your pants around your ankels in 30 seconds..

 

Right!!! And don't substitute the word "expensive" for "explosive" either...the same thing would happen; however, they would also demand that you "volunterily surrender" your "illudium Q-36 expensive space modulator."

 

Oh right, I just copy+paste the Looney Tunes quote...so replace that with "illudium Q-36 normalizing space modulator."
Bonus if you do the Marvin the Martian voice.