I have it on reliable authority that TSA will be passing out this questionnaire to applicants for the Trusted Traveler program. 1. Can you afford your own private jet? [ ] Yes (skip the rest and get your own dang aircraft!) [ ] No [ ] I use a personal jet pack so this is not relevant to me. 2. Complete the following: John Pistole is: [ ] a skunk [ ] Michael Chertoff's poodle [ ] an alien replicant from beyond the moon [ ] the savior of America sent to earth from the planet Krypton by his father Jor-El. 3. What scientific method should TSA adopt to screen passengers? [ ] Phrenology [ ] Graphology [ ] Ufology [ ] All of the above (Please pick up a job application on the way out!) 4. Which of the following is appropriate identification at the airport? [ ] Library card [ ] Driver's license. [ ] Passport [ ] A get-out-of-jail-free card from a Monopoly set. 5. Do you commonly wear any metallic clothing? [ ] Yes, I am Sir Galahad (the Chaste!) [ ] Yes, I am the Tin Woodman. [ ] Yes, I am R2D2. [ ] Yes, but only if you count an Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie. 6. What is the greatest threat to aircraft? [ ] A snow globe that isn't bought at the airport gift shop. [ ] Wallets full of unreasonable amounts of money. [ ] Insulin used by pregnant women [ ] Bombs and guns that get through while TSA is intercepting the previous three. 7. What is the best way to insure passenger cooperation with security? [ ] Treat everyone with respect. [ ] Treat everyone like a criminal. [ ] Treat everyone like cattle. [ ] Treat everyone like a cattle-rustling criminal. 8. The Constitution is: [ ] The terrorist's best friend. [ ] I don't know, but whatever it was, 9/11 ended it. [ ] Something that doesn't matter much to me as long as I get on that aircraft. [ ] Constitution? We don't need no steekin' constitution!